Tug of War

Because my parents got divorced very early, I had no memories of living with both parents. I don't get along well with my stepfather. He is usually very gentle but serious, however he is scary when he is in a bad mood, he would be loud, fierce, and he would slam the doors and breaking things. I always think he doesn't like me very much. When I was younger, I would be jealous and demand to sit with my mom, and my stepfather was not very happy about this. He would, too, get jealous, as he wants to sit with my mom as well. But, kids are just oblivious as they are, and could care less about manners and respect, which made the situation very awkward.

Once I remember, they had an argument. My mom feared he would become violent, thus she immediately packed up our bags, and took me to a hotel in the middle of the night. We stayed at the hotel for several days, but I still had to go to school. One day as I got out of school, my stepfather drove over and forced my mother to return home with him. Everyone was shocked by the situation. teachers helped us "drive away" our stepfather, and we went back into the campus to calm down. Many people say that families are safe shelter, but I think safe shelter are places you go where during a disaster, so you usually don't go there. As a result, I don't think family is a safe haven, it is a place that you love a lot. Whether you are happy or sad, it is a place you would want to return to.

IC 2019/06/06

Insights

I have strong beliefs on relationships, perhaps since I’ve seen what my mother went through. My mother was always indecisive and gave others countless chances. In my opinion, that is exhausting, so when facing my own feelings, I would express my thoughts and communicate with others clearly. Yet if there are no signs of change, I also feel that love should not be forced, and can be let go of.

Honestly, my mother is often busy with work, so we don’t have much contact. But when necessary, we would have a conversation, just like friends. Maybe because I came from a small family, so I like being alone, and need my personal space. Perhaps to someone with a normal family, my situation would seem strange, but I am perfectly comfortable. Instead, I feel lucky without a dad, fortunately, we don’t have to live with him.

GT 2019/02/16

Exodus

There’s no much interaction at home and almost zero chat. We only talk to each other if it’s necessary, or essential for maintaining basic biological functions of survival. For instance, “it’s time to eat”. Mom and dad never had a good relationship, and often they have violent actions. Perhaps that’s one of the causes of my stuttering. A few years ago, I did poorly on a test, and dad locked my outside of our home for several days. At first, I thought it was just a temporary punishment and I will be forgiven once his anger ceased, not knowing this “banishment” will continue for several days. They ignored me as if I never exist as a part of the family. Those days, I would put my schoolbag at the front door and sit on the floor. On occasions, they would allow me to go inside to eat, but often I have no food and have to figure it out on my own. At night, the schoolbag will become my pillow. That was my most painful memory of all.

EY 2019/06/19