After All

They divorced before I was born. My father went abroad and could not come back because he was caught up on criminal law. Initially, the purpose of the divorce is to avoid legislative trouble that would bring the whole family into chaos. It was, in fact, done for the best of the family. As a result, my mother raised me in Taiwan, alone. But later, my father had an affair.

Since the discovery, our family has been full of misfortunes. Mom started to drink heavily, was sick soon. She waited for dad to come back until the last minute of her life, longing for the home we once had. In fact, I didn’t know any of these until mom told me before she died. I was furious, as no one except me ever condemned my father for his wrongdoing. Despite my anger, I couldn't really hate him or blame him... because after all, he was still my father.

A future pastor' wish

When my mother was ill, she found trust and comfort in god. It was obvious that her beliefs made her feel much better. Even after her death, I have continued to embrace Christianity, for this has become my second warm and loving home, where many memories of my mother remain. I wasn’t close to my father and didn’t plan to succeed his business. Besides that, he isn’t a Christian either. He has his own way of loving me, mostly reflected in material things. But these are not what I want. It seems that home has changed. We permanently lost a very important person, and home is not as warm and loving as before.

Now? I am studying in Hungary and want to be a pastor in the future, hoping father will be saved with the love of God.

Words from "Dad"

Mom was very dependent on Dad. But after my father died, she and I were the only ones in the family. It can be said that besides work, she has nothing...but me. No friends or social contacts of her own. Most of the time, she stayed at home, often becoming more and more inclined to take control of my life. In the past few years, some friend of her (spiritual sister) said she could talk to and sort of “embody” my father. Up to now, mom goes to see “Dad” almost every month or two. This “Dad” became mom’s new way of recovering from her former dependence. Sometimes, she would tell me what she knew about "Dad" through her senior sister, which makes me feel even lonelier. Although I argued with her about it, no one could smooth things over. In my heart, what I want to hear is mom's own thoughts, her love, and care for me, not "dad's".

WX 2019/01/28